King of the Golden Hall
by Ode2Joy
Summary: A slightly different version of what happened when Gandalf freed Théoden from Saruman's evil spell. Extremely twisted. [ONE SHOT]


Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Note: Back to the good old fashioned parodies! I love doing these, but they take a lot of work. This one's kinda insane (like everything else I've written), so I hope you enjoy it! And PLEASE REVIEW!!!  
  
Edit: Thank you to "Voldie On Varsity Track" for making me aware of my horrendous grammar. I was switching tenses right and left. A problem that I think is now remedied. Thanks again, Voldie!  
  
Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli rode valiantly to the gates of Rohan. A flag bearing a horse whooshed by their skulls.  
  
Aragorn ducked, "Are they trying to kill me?! GANDALF?! I won't stand for this!"  
  
Gimli mumbled under his breath, "Gandalf! My horse smells bad! There's a bug in my stew! Why is Legolas blond? Whine. Whine. Whine."  
  
Legolas giggled.  
  
"Silence!" roared Gandalf.  
  
"Hey! You can't talk to me like that! I'm an Elf!" exclaimed Legolas.  
  
"We know! Now, listen. Théoden's possessed and we've got to go perform an exorcism! Get inside by whatever means possible, then beat the hell out of the guards so I can go save the king!" Gandalf said, exasperated.  
  
Legolas twirled his hair about his finger, "Okay, whatever."  
  
And so they rode and climbed the stairs to talk to Théoden.  
  
"Stop!" demanded the guards.  
  
Aragorn ran one of them through.  
  
"What the hell are you doing, Aragorn?" Gandalf knocked his sword from his hands.  
  
Gimli subtly kicked the dead guard's body down the stairs. "I apologize for the lad. He doesn't know what he's doing. Say you're sorry, Aragorn," Gimli gave Aragorn a shove.  
  
"I'm sorry," he mumbled.  
  
Gandalf sighed, "Can we please see the king?"  
  
The other two guards looked dubious. "Give us your weapons and we'll let you in."  
  
Gandalf shrugged and surrendered his sword. Aragorn and Gimli followed suit. Legolas however, would not give up his weapons.  
  
"You can't do this to me! I'm an Elf! You MUST respect the Elves!"  
  
Aragorn violently ripped Legolas' bow from his hands and handed it to the already over-burdened guard. Add Legolas' knives and arrows and the guard was struggling to stand. The other guard spoke to Gandalf, "Your staff, sir..."  
  
Gandalf stuttered, "You wouldn't part an old..." Gandalf stopped speaking and knocked the guard over, "Run! Quickly! Inside!"  
  
They burst through the doors to the Golden Hall.  
  
Legolas looked straight at Théoden. "Oh. My. Eru. What is that dried out old prune?!"  
  
"Show some respect!" Aragorn nudged him.  
  
"I don't have to show anyone respect! They should be respecting me! I'm the Elf! Stop disrespecting the Elf!" Legolas was becoming hysterical.  
  
The guards within the Golden Hall ran at the four intruders. Gimli hopped on the back of one and pulled his hair. Aragorn threw a chair at another. Gandalf strangled one with his beard. Legolas stuck out his foot daintily and tripped the fourth. Gríma Wormtongue jumped out from behind the thrown.  
  
"Sire! Those evil... things are not welcome here! Order them to take leave!"  
  
The cracked and wrinkled Théoden wheezed at Gandalf, "What are you doing here, old man?"  
  
Gandalf's hands flew to his face. "I'm younger than you, Saruman. And I haven't had this month's Botox treatment yet. Leave me alone!"  
  
As Gandalf poised to release Théoden from Saruman's spell, two things happened. First, Éowyn tore out of the shadows with a dagger, and then, Legolas grabbed Gríma around the throat and dragged him off. Gimli stopped Éowyn by snagging her hair to examine it closely. He turned it over slowly in his hands. "Not as pretty as the Lady's," he snorted.  
  
Éowyn screeched in pain, "You jerk! These extensions cost a fortune!"  
  
Gimli didn't let go. Instead, he tied her to a pillar with her own hair. Éowyn stood shrieking, her hands frantically fluttering around her head, trying to untie the knot.  
  
Aragorn followed Legolas and Gríma. Legolas tied Gríma to a chair and whipped a pouch out of his jacket.  
  
"Now, when I first saw you, I said to myself, 'That man is just SCREAMING for a makeover!'" Legolas took a bottle out of the pouch. "First, I'll teach you how to exfoliate!"  
  
Gríma squirmed, "You monster! Release me! Now!"  
  
"But your skin is so oily! We must correct that! Next, we'll deal with your hair!"  
  
"Nooooooo! I've worked for years to get it so disgusting!"  
  
Aragorn chuckled and left Gríma to his fate.  
  
Gandalf looked around. It seemed as though everyone had abandoned him. He breathed a sigh of relief. He turned back to Théoden.  
  
"Saruman! The old man is not space for rent! Get the hell out!"  
  
Théoden's withered shell wheezed laughter.  
  
Gandalf just rolled his eyes and rammed his staff up Théoden's nose.  
  
"AUUUUGGGGHHHH! My sinuses!"  
  
"Be gone, foul demon! Be gone!" Gandalf gave his staff a twist.  
  
At this point, Éowyn had freed herself from the pillar and she ran at Gandalf. Aragorn was ambling back from watching Gríma be tortured when he saw Éowyn lunge. Reacting quickly, he seized Éowyn round the waist, holding her back.  
  
Éowyn let out the call of a wild woman and kicked backwards, nailing Aragorn in the groin. Aragorn released a high-pitched wail and crumpled to the ground.  
  
Éowyn kicked him out of her way and ran to Théoden, who was already recovered. Gandalf was cleaning his staff with a rag.  
  
"I know your face..." Théoden hugged Éowyn.  
  
Gríma ran out of the shadows. His hair was shorter and clean. He face was devoid of any type of puss.  
  
Théoden stared quizzically, "But I don't know yours."  
  
Legolas called from the shadows, "Gríma! Come back here! You can't leave me like this, I'm an Elf! The Elf needs to give you a manicure."  
  
Gríma screamed and ran out of the Golden Hall. 


End file.
